I want to

When I was in the 4th grade...I experienced my first JCPenney perm. I looked like a brunette orphan Annie. Suffice to say.....I got some major shit at school. But the most memorable was a boy named "Kevin Young" (funny how I remember his name). He ran in circles around me calling me "MEDUSA!!! MEDUSA!!!!". I kept a stiff upper lip and yelled some profanities at him. But I never forgot. Until this day I have been fascinated with the myth of Medusa and find strength in her power.

I found this interpretation and its awesome:

Medusa compiled by Torrey Philemon

Medusa, originally a beautiful young woman whose crowning glory was her magnificent long hair, was desired and courted by many suitors. Yet before she could be betrothed to a husband, Poseidon (Neptune) found her worshipping in the temple of Athena (Minerva) and ravished her (knocked boots). Athena was outraged at her sacred temple being violated, and punished Medusa by turning her beautiful tresses into snakes and giving her the destructive power to turn anyone who looked directly at her into stone.
In both Greek and Roman myth, Perseus, attempting to rescue his mother Danae from the coercive King Polydectes, needed to embark on the dangerous venture of retrieving Medusa's head. With the help of Athena and Hermes - magic winged sandals, a cap, a pouch and a mirror-like shield, he fought her and beheaded her by viewing her image in the mirror of his shield rather than looking at her directly. From her decapitated head sprang the winged horse Pegasus and the giant Chrysaor, who became king of Iberia. Medusa's sisters, the Gorgons, chased after him, but were unable to catch him because his magic cap made him invisible.

Perseus was then able to use Medusa's head as a weapon during other battles (which included rescuing Andromeda), but he eventually returned it to Athena, who then placed it at the center of her Aegis as a symbol of her power, and her own capacity to turn her enemies into stone.

Historically, before ancient Greece, Medusa was worshipped by the Libyan Amazons as a Serpent -Goddess (Amazons were awesome!), and associated with the destroyer aspect Anath (also known as Athene) of the Triple Goddess in North Africa and Crete. The name Medusa (Medha in Sanscrit, Metis in Greek and Maat in Egyptian) means "sovereign female wisdom."

Some scholars believe that the Greek and Roman Medusa myth, as told by Ovid, expresses the vanquishing of the great goddess religions as the male gods Zeus/Jupiter and Poseidon/Neptune gained power. Others view it as expressive of the subjugation of women's bodies and enslavement of their spirit by a violent and oppressive male-oriented culture, which viewed Medusa's life-giving, creative, primal energy as threatening.

I was fortunate enough to be a part of these boys finding a permanent home and ultimately being adopted. I last saw them over three years ago. They tracked me down and invited me to share in their adoption finalization. I was humbled and honored.

c'est la vie

adios

Stolen pic from a guy en los buenos

Are we all ill with acute loneliness, chronic patients trying to recover the will to love? .....We all feel absence like a wound. Sometimes the love of another wounded one acts like a salve which soothes the dying self but cannot heal our lives. And perhaps this is what it feels like to be human, and we are all well?..... -Julia Alvarez

Thanks to Lalo for letting me steal this poetry book.

I became a World Cup fan yesterday after watching the Italian team play the US. Wow...... Italy....yummy.....is it a requirement that you have to be gorgeous to play soccer in Italy?? I mean really...it seems scary to think the whole country could look like that. Gotta add Italy to my itinerary of travel.

Feeling pretty good. Finally have Cable. The cable guy was nice and complimented the smell and decor of my apartment, which I found complimentary if not a bit strange coming from a sweaty scraggly guy with a tool belt....gotta love it.

The world is opening up and I have a lot of new exciting things happening. I kind of feel like a snail or a turtle. I have on my protective shield but I am sticking my head out a little by little. I must say things look much better than I thought they could be.


Got back to dance this week. Humbling since my cohorts have passed me by with a new Flamenco dance in my absence.

Started painting again. Hadn't had the patience to do it in sooo long. I sit and paint while listening to Andrea Bocelli's "Amore" album! It puts me in a blissful mood while I do my crafts and decorating.

Now I need to get the physical stuff in gear. Been so tired. I've actually been needing a daily nap. But it my moon time and that always saps my energy. But nevertheless I feel good and hopeful. I only wish that I could take a month or so off from work to enjoy my new abode!

Lots of feelings today....mostly tired.... Went to my cousin's baby shower. He and his wife, high school sweethearts....beautiful wedding at the same place I got married but theirs was so magical....we all look on in awe......I was very happy for them most of the afternoon but after a few hours I had nothing left to give.... it all turned into chatter

LESSONS and Doubts.......

I don't want to be second best

Don't want to stand in line

Don't want to fall behind

Don't want to get caught out

Don't want to do without

And the lesson I must learn

Is that I've got to wait my turn

Looks like I got to be hot and cold

I got to be taught and told

Got to be good as gold

But perfectly honest

I think it would be good for me

Cuz it's a hindrance to my health

If I'm a stranger to myself

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes

Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master

Or a miniature disaster will be

It will be the death of me

I don't have to raise my voice

Don't have to be underhand

Just got to understand

That it's gonna be up and down

It's gonna be lost and found

And I can't take to the sky

Before I like it on the ground

And I need to be patient

And I need to be brave

Need to discover

How I need to behave

And I'll find out the answers

When I know what to ask

But I speak a different language

And everybody's talking too fast

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes

Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master

or a miniature disaster will be

I've got to run a little faster

Or a miniature disaster will be

Well I need to know I'll last

if a little Miniature disaster hits me......

It could be the death of me

- KT Tunstall

Scared to jinx It.......

I am remembering who I am through this thing called a "blog". I will not try to be poetic or brilliant. I am just gonna throw out art that touches me and I will try to find myself again after being swept away by that flood we call "marriage". I won't regret it because it has taught me that each moment is precious and should not be wasted doing things that don't refresh our soul.

I sometimes am so sure that the universe is sending me messages. Gently cradling me and pushing me in the direction I am meant to go. Showing me...."See?" It says.....exposing all that beauty that often hides in corners or underneath other things....I went to my brothers special ed talent show and can't erase, won't erase the bright smile on the paraplegic who only know her chair on wheels.....the feverish dancing of that autistic child who can think of nothing but how wonderful the music sounds and feels.....or my cats enjoying the new toy I bought, rolling around on their backs waiting for a good rub.....or those two children remembering a simple soul who maybe helped them find a happy home.......CPS sucked in many ways except for these moments...

Then my doubts set in......those doubts that result from the fact that we are all islands to ourselves....mostly traveling these roads alone because our teachers are lost too.....and all that painful insecurity......I stop and think......."This is a choice I make to see these things.....My state of mind......And being a choice, am I choosing to be delusional???? Am I choosing to be naive and do others see me as childish/silly (which of course I know shouldn't matter, butt it does to me).......is cruelty and darkness really what should be in front of my eyes each day and is it really more powerful that these bright and beautiful things????

I fear people's judgement of me. "She is so silly and simple, they must think.....why does she smile and laugh when everywhere there is death and pain and everything is random........Am I the damaged goods left over from some mighty acid trips that left my brain swiss cheese????

But I try to remind myself that this is my life.....my choice to live it as I wish....and if I see all the beauty around me, find it every day....(and this beauty is soooo much more obvious now that I am alone)....then I am blessed.........and I will survive....(in spanish it is "sobrevivir" or rise above life....and find this so much more appropriate a word) "rise above" those dark days when I can't for the life of me find a ray of light and just want it to end, because I know that this is who I am, like it or not.......a seeker of light who gets really sad when this light is elusive.

MY DRAGON GOT LOOSE AGAIN......

breathing all around me......

I have lost all gravity...pieces of me are floating

Why does this separation, untangling have to be so hard?

Why does it feel like life and death when people all over the world have no food shelther, clothing, they can't even walk to school without their cars exploding or being used as target practice for soul-less militants with convaluted ideologies????

Why do I think that my sense-less feelings are worth anything when people elsewhere are too engulfed theat they lack the luxury to pause and reflect on "feelings" No time for pointless philisophical questions or existential crises.....

Although this is all true----"priviledged people need love too". haha

I am priveledged in so many ways and remind myself daily but I still feel that lacking purpose is a golden cage unlike any other.

I feel so melancholy today. The void is still there reminding me that its ready to be filled with thoughts fear and rejection and isolation and most of all that dread that "this is all there is".....just a lonely lady with her cats.....Must Keep busy, Keep busy they say, paint, dance, play guitar, sing....I've gotta clear away these webs in my mind...not let them take over........I ask for transformation...bit by bit....

Like always I am too excited in the moment to take pictures so I found some pics of what it was like. Friday night we were transported miles away to a cafe in Spain...dim lighting....happy people grasping their red wine.......beautiful colored lights shining on a stage of dancers, musicians, singers....manifesting their ecstasy, their sadness, frustration, anger, joy and awe through the passion of flamenco. Spontaneously I jumped up knowing that I can't let fear waste these days. So I danced amongst the table.....with the cafe crowd clapping joyously adding to my adrenaline.....a moment of blisssssss...I am trying so hard to live this life.

COMIENDO LUMBRE

It is only then that I am free.......no fear...no pain or hurt....no judgement....no rejection....nothing else matters........it all fades away.........nothing left but the flow.......an endless wave of pleasure......home.......peace