Scared to jinx It.......

I am remembering who I am through this thing called a "blog". I will not try to be poetic or brilliant. I am just gonna throw out art that touches me and I will try to find myself again after being swept away by that flood we call "marriage". I won't regret it because it has taught me that each moment is precious and should not be wasted doing things that don't refresh our soul.

I sometimes am so sure that the universe is sending me messages. Gently cradling me and pushing me in the direction I am meant to go. Showing me...."See?" It says.....exposing all that beauty that often hides in corners or underneath other things....I went to my brothers special ed talent show and can't erase, won't erase the bright smile on the paraplegic who only know her chair on wheels.....the feverish dancing of that autistic child who can think of nothing but how wonderful the music sounds and feels.....or my cats enjoying the new toy I bought, rolling around on their backs waiting for a good rub.....or those two children remembering a simple soul who maybe helped them find a happy home.......CPS sucked in many ways except for these moments...

Then my doubts set in......those doubts that result from the fact that we are all islands to ourselves....mostly traveling these roads alone because our teachers are lost too.....and all that painful insecurity......I stop and think......."This is a choice I make to see these things.....My state of mind......And being a choice, am I choosing to be delusional???? Am I choosing to be naive and do others see me as childish/silly (which of course I know shouldn't matter, butt it does to me).......is cruelty and darkness really what should be in front of my eyes each day and is it really more powerful that these bright and beautiful things????

I fear people's judgement of me. "She is so silly and simple, they must think.....why does she smile and laugh when everywhere there is death and pain and everything is random........Am I the damaged goods left over from some mighty acid trips that left my brain swiss cheese????

But I try to remind myself that this is my life.....my choice to live it as I wish....and if I see all the beauty around me, find it every day....(and this beauty is soooo much more obvious now that I am alone)....then I am blessed.........and I will survive....(in spanish it is "sobrevivir" or rise above life....and find this so much more appropriate a word) "rise above" those dark days when I can't for the life of me find a ray of light and just want it to end, because I know that this is who I am, like it or not.......a seeker of light who gets really sad when this light is elusive.